You could use their faces to irrigate the Sahara, since, y'know, the emoting thing doesn't seem to be working out. Actually, everyone in this game cries like altar boys after lights-out.
Fucking suck it up, Ellen Page some of us had to make do with rat poison growing up! But no, the ungrateful tart spends half the game sounding like she's about to start crying, and the other half crying.
It is quite funny at one point when she's supposed to be a rogue CIA agent but she looks more like a 15-year-old boy put on camo gear, and drew all over his face with black felt-tip pen like mummy's little insurgent.Īnyway, Ellen Page is really sad her whole life because there's an invisible ghost following her around who kills everyone she doesn't like. Previous games have attempted broad multi-character stories that all spectacularly collapsed, so this time the narrative focusses on a single character, randomly flipping back and forth between key points in Ellen Page's life, from birth to childhood to teens to more teens to– actually, she never really moves past the teens. Or by strapping yourself into a Chinese water torture machine that asks for your consent between every single fucking drip. His previous game, Heavy Rain, switched between ridiculous high-octane quick-time event scenes and prolonged sequences of someone bumbling around their house, looking for objects and surfaces to momentarily rest their gonads on, like if someone intercut Dragon's Lair with security footage from my living room on the morning of a major deadline.Įllen Page-apalooza does thankfully tone things down a bit with the bumbling – well, depending on your personal bumbling capacity – but without bumbling, the game's little more than a linear sequence of actions, each firing off only after you press the button prompt, and the great thing about this is that you can recreate the exciting "interactive narrative" experience by watching any normal film and pressing the pause button every two seconds.
But, frankly, after playing this, I wouldn't hold out much hope for Beyond 2: Some More Souls We Found in a Hedge.īeyond – Eergh, fuck that – The Ellen Page Variety Hour comes to us from David Cage, a man who is himself caught between two worlds: eager to spearhead a unique genre of interactive narrative, but at the same time possessing the writing ability of a half-melted chocolate bunny rabbit. The whole colon-title-separation thing is predicated on the irritating trend that all games must at least pretend to be launching some kind of larger franchise. "I've been playing Beyond!" "Beyond what? Beyond the limits of social acceptability?" "No, I mean I've been playing Two Souls!" "Oh, right, isn't that that really hard game from By Software? I mean, by From Software?" "No, that's Dark Souls!" "Oh, so you were playing some kind of game about the exploration of several human sphincters?" "No, that's Arse Holes!" So, three souls, then? Four souls, dare we dream!? But if you take off either part of the title then people won't know what you're talkin' about: I fucking hate saying the title Beyond: Two Souls, 'cause you have to mark the colon with a little pause, or people think you're saying Beyond Two Souls, as in "more than two souls". This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Beyond: Two Souls.Īs anyone who's eaten Tex-Mex before a long plane ride will tell you, colons can be very problematic.
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